Hello fellow travelers...I had 3 things happen recently that crushed my optimism and resolve to stay with the program (hopefully this is temporary). I need some words of encouragement, reality testing, or something from you guys.
FIRST thing was looking at a pic of me taken on 8/15 when I thought I looked good - in the picture I looked really wide and and thick in the middle and was honestly shocked at my appearance. I felt as if all these past 8 months have been for naught and immediately (I know, this is a bad thing) felt intense self-loathing.
Maybe I have been deluding myself, I thought. All the positivity and good feeling with measurable (non-scale) changes and compliments of others suddenly meant nothing. I know this is not rational. Still hurts. Still mad at me.
SECOND thing that happened was another picture - this one taken by a newspaper during event I attended - was published next day and was a closeup of my face from the side (not the best angle) and again I was shocked - who is that fattie with the extra chin and neck flesh that I thought was all gone by now? And my shoulder looked wide and even my chest.
Yikes I was freaked out. (I take pics of myself pretty regularly to see what I really look like - I like those pictures but maybe because always at a flattering angle.) Not feeling like the "hero" anymore that was posted about my story in June on this blog.
THIRD thing that happened was I got a Wii Fit for a gift and used the Wii board to do a fitness/body test (thankfully it does not tell you weight unless you select that option but just knowing it was recording my weight was scary!) - and the board said based on my BMI, I was "Obese" - not even "Overweight" - and the beautiful colored Obese bar was colored all the way to the top!!!!!!!!!!!! Like I have made no progress at all!
THEN, to add insult to injury, it took my little Mii (your meme or icon for your body) and POPPED it out fat instantly just to be sure I got the message that I am obese and then spoke it out loud to me. I felt so much shame. I might not use the board again for awhile, but I do like the other Wii sports such as tennis and ping pong and water boarding - all of which keep me moving and entertained for 2 hours a day every day since I got it.
Here is the big aaargh to share with you - I have been eating "forbidden" foods since all this b/c of the old faulty thinking - "might as well - I am a failure anyway - nothing works for me - might as well enjoy myself - I'll get back on program when I am ready, etc." Maybe I should just take an "allowed" week off and then commit to getting back on.
Anyway - there is a whole lot of honesty and I am sad to tell you that it is not working for me right now. Surely this has happened to others. I know you will suggest a refresher - I did that May 1st and it helped a bit. Don't have the $ right now to do another and somehow I don't think it will help. Gone are the days after my first 3-session program when I just did not even want bread, honey, fruit, etc. Now I want all of those things..............
Why doesn't the hypnosis to not want those thins last longer??????
Help!!!!!!!
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First of all Linda, I want to send you a big (((HUG)))
ReplyDeleteI hear your frustration. I have had MANY, MANY HORRIBLE pictures taken of me on this journey!!! I cringe. It is quite a coincidence you wrote this today, in the last few days a few of my fellow journey people have addressed this picture issue with another follower.
Here are some of the comments to the pictures a friend of ours posted. She has lost a lot of weight but 2 pictures caused her self doubt also.
Here are what some gave for advice:
Remember how large you were? Pull out some of those photos... Photoshop them together to remind you how far you've come on your journey.
Another friend saw a picture of herself and a friend together just recently and thought she looked like an Amazon next to her friend. She also has a picture of herself and the same friend from her highest weight. She also thought she looked like an Amazon then too. To counter those negative thoughts and to support her new way of thinking, she posted the recent picture to her face book page. People said great things about the picture and no one called her an Amazon.
Part of our journey is overcoming this kind of thinking. Everyone of us has said negatives about ourselves on FB or in person. Someone said you have 2 choices, let the picture defeat you or pick yourself up and get out and about. You decide. Your moment is difficult and we all understand that. It can put you into a tailspin or you can use it as motivation to work harder towards your goal. Don’t let a negative thought ruin where you have been and where you are going. Let this negative thought spur you on to continuing on the POSITIVE path you have been on.
Someone else said:
Our brains are awful creatures. You can ’tap’ away those thoughts.
Someone else said:
I have 4 sisters in laws, that are VERY thin (so thin she hates them, not really but you get the point) Anyway, when they take family pictures and such, every so often one or more of them flip out because the photo is not very flattering to them. Makes them look different than what they are. At first she thought, oh good grief give me a break, as skinny as they are and they think they look bad!!! But then this woman thought about her sisters in laws, and they are very humble women, not proud or conceited women at all, and realized, pictures, no matter who we are, where we are or what we look like, will have at one time or another have a picture taken that is VERY unflattering. Pictures do not do everyone justice. But then there are some pictures that make us look better than we really are. Just try to continue on. It is either going to make you or break you. At our ideal weights, we will still have pictures of us that make us, in our own eyes, look horrid. BE GRATEFUL you are not where you were before, hiding from the camera! Be thankful you are out there smiling!!!
You are not alone Linda in this picture thing. Many of us have had pictures we have had to deal with. Not easy. Get back in the river no matter what and continue on. Control your mind and thoughts and get rid of those pictures. Put them away somewhere so you don’t see them, or throw them away. At times, pictures are as bad as the scale to me.
(((HUGS)))
Thank you Linda.... I especially liked the hugs and will carry them in my heart for strength. Your words are wisdom from one who knows...thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteYour welcome!! We are all in this together! and WE WILL get to where we are going!!
ReplyDeleteOne bit of advice: at my last refresh Julie said if you do have sugar, you need to go back. So you may want to plan that into the future if you had sugar.
stay in the river!!! TAP TAP TAP!!!
Stay in touch!!! WE truly are all in this together!!!
Linda M. - great post!
ReplyDeleteLinda L - great feedback!
I can totally relate to seeing a photo and thinking OMG - I'm still THAT BIG?
If you don't like how you look in your photos today, put them aside, as Linda said, and in six months line them up and you'll see the difference!
In fact, I encourage you to take photos often so you can do this. Sometimes it's only through seeing ourselves in photos that we can really see the difference.
That said, not all photos are equal!
I feel your pain. You saw it all in a negative light. Turn that bulb off and get back anew. I have just returned from bringing my child to college. The entire trip I was pretty much off program. Decidedly so. I just couldn't manage that too. I had been 4 weeks out. Today, my first day back, I made it until 1pm and then faltered. I will get back on. My body hurts from the sugars, flours and soda I have ingested. I did this to myself, but I don't hate myself for doing it. I know now that I don't want to be in pain and I know that I can cure that. Best of luck you have done incredible things and you have been my inspiration for the past 4 weeks. Now smile and take a picture of your beautiful strong self.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda, I feel bad that you are going through this! Easier said than done, but please stop!! Get back in the river ASAP!!
ReplyDeleteNot everyone looks good in one dimension! I am certainly one of them - and guess what! I'm a size 6!! Every picture I see of myself, I hate. I look old and fat!! But what the heck are you going to do -the reality is I just don't take good pictures.
And please don't believe those BMI charts, they lie just like the scale. You would have to be 100 pounds and 6' tall to not be obese.
Get rid of the "forbidden" food and keep that mental picture of your goal size in your site! You can do it!!
Thank you for your honesty - that's a really positive sign that you DO want this. We are all here to support you! Please don't give up!
Hugs & success!!
Linda, Theresa, and Chris...thx so much for the hugs and empathy and encouragement. You are all good cheerleaders! It helps greatly to hear that I am not alone. You are true friends in this struggle. I recall Theresa's post with the arrow all squiggly in the middle indicating what success actually looks like ie not a straight line. Just finished Cherry Garcia ice cream...a definite squiggle in my arrow! Hope I'm not "too far gone"... I will check back with you all when I get back on track.
ReplyDeleteThx for being so wonderful in the midst of my vulnerability.
Question.....has anyone had the no-desire-for-carbs last a year or more? Why does the easy phase go away??? Seems like the hypnosis " wears off" ... Has anyone thought this?
Linda, it's been 2 plus years for me. The first time I saw Julie was in 2005. Yes, I lost weight but I continued to eat what I wanted and gained all the weight back (and went on the bonus plan!) I would go back to Julie to get "fixed" until she finally told me she couldn't help me any more. Why? Because I wasn't ready to make the life long changes I needed to. It was too scary for me to give up my food. Through the years, I was never able to lose the weight. When I walked back into her office in May of 2011, I was like an alcoholic that had hit bottom. I knew if I wanted what she offered, I had to do what she suggested. Believe me, I wanted to lose weight more than anything in this world! I knew I would have to make changes to my eating and that I would have to do it for the rest of my life. I was ready & willing to do just that. And all this time later, whether I hate my pictures, or wake up feeling fat one day, or wake up feeling like poop, I will never forget how desparate I was when I walked through those doors.
ReplyDeleteFrom experience I will say, get off the pity pot before it's too late!! (with love not judgement!) Not tomorrow but RIGHT NOW!!!!
Once you go off program, you have taken back your free will and it's not going to be easy again. Stop spending money on junk & use that money for a refresher!! Hugs!!
Linda-I am 2+ years into this, and I still avoid carbs. I tried maintenance, and realized soon in that I was not ready to get out of the river. Went to a refresher, and asked to "fit into my 6's better", but also decided I would go 1 year without stepping out of the river. I am almost into month 5 of my challenge, and I still feel confident in this challenge. I too know that Julie would have a hard time with the choices you picked-especially ice cream-I can hear her saying "well, since you chose to eat that, you better have eaten a lot of meat with it"....sugar is the worst thing to go to.....not that I am closing your door, you just have flooded your body with insulin, and it takes a heck of a long time to rid it once it's "in there". I agree with Chris-take the 6 or 7 dollars it costs (or whatever) and put it toward a refresher. It will take you 2 months to get in to one (at least), so maybe instead of buying something you know you will feel guilty over, you can put it in a jar, knowing that it will go towards your health and well being. I hope you can figure out why you are tripping up, and that things finally quiet down for you...But, I for one can tell you that I am just as confident in staying away from carbs now as I was June of 2011. I guess in a roundabout way I was just trying to answer your "how long does it last" question....Good luck to you my friend-you have a lot rooting for you! Now, get up, go to your refrigerator and cupboard, and throw every hurtful product away. Just like an alcoholic, now might not be the time for you to have this stuff in your house......
ReplyDeleteLinda, I will be on program 2 years in Oct. I still have a craving here or there, but I still not give in. I gave Julie my free will and am going strong and steady.
ReplyDeleteCravings will always hit, our fat pockets do carry a sugar or 2 and as we hit them a craving pops out. I use the tools she gave me and tap them away.
When I went to Julie I was desperate, I knew I was killing myself and probably would be dead today if I hadn't gone to her. I wanted it so bad! Work on your thoughts and your wants. CRAVE that better life style, CRAVE that new look, CRAVE health, CRAVE feeling better, you can do it!!!
Julie told us, if you eat sugar and take away your free will, that you will be back. Whether tomorrow, next year or 10 years from now, you will be back. PLEASE save for a refresher!!! Just to be sure.
SUGAR is POISON!!!! PLEASE understand I say this with love and understanding, STOP this self destruction!!! cRAVE determination and don't' let a picture or 2 destroy what you accomplished!!
Dear Ann J and Linda L....thank you ladies. Ann..what you said about my being your inspiration really hit me...changed my perspective for the better. It also helps me to know you went off program decidedly...i assume you were experiencing stress?? My work stress has intensified of late and my sweet hubbie is in pain every day from chemo side effects...it is killing me with sadness and helplessness. I know there is no such thing as a stress free life...so I should get back to more regular exercise like Curves and hikes in woods and swimming. Those things all make me feel fantastic and naturally make me eat less and not want crap. Exercise also grounds me and stops the pity party in its tracks. Guess I just talked myself into a solution And I will do a refresher. Linda thx for sharing your sometimes cravings and what you do about them. Thx everyone for reminding me that my progress so far has not evaporated. I sure dont want to undo it. You have pulled me up!!! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteOops...I missed your post Jennifer...thx for rooting for me and telling me about your carb avoidance. I wonder if maintenance will be hard for me too. It does seem once I had sugar, all else was off the table..."might as well have wine and whole wheat bread (healthy, right?)...and plums...and extra yogurt...etc" Slippery slope once the sugar gets in. I felt like I needed to get it out of my system before I was ready to get back in the river. Great to know I am a WE and not just a ME. It certainly is all in the head isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that you're strugging, and about you're husband.
ReplyDeleteI have two thoughts - you can try to eat away your sorrow/stress, but it will still be there. You can be those things and be phsycially healthy, or you can be those things and regain all you've lost.
I am the last one to give advise because I'm very new to this program. But Julie mentioned that diets work in the beginning because you are eating differently and your body doesn't know how to react. Then it adjusts and you stop losing weight. So, you mixed it up for a bit, and now it's time to get back on program! It may help your weight loss! Now, if you want to mix it up again, I know that Julie means to eat a variety of food ON program, but maybe this is a more positive way of looking at this very temporary eating glitch.
Linda- think of how many hundreds of pictures they take during a photo shoot to get one perfect shot, one where a top model in the world looks as close to perfect as she can. They then take THAT one photo, which STILL isn't good enough, and edit it with Photoshop-to add some definition here, subtract some butt there.
ReplyDeleteToss away any unflattering pictures and hang up the good ones!Hang in there- you can do this!
The wrong mirror can make my heart sink. Every now and then I see myself from certain angles and think, "I'm still huge." Well, when I step out of the shower these days and I get the full picture it is SO apparent how far I've come it's not even funny. I see things getting smaller, tighter, less saggy and more muscular. I'm no Adonis but I never was.
ReplyDeleteThe point is that I look better. Not great, not even necessarily "good" yet, but better. This path can seem endless but when I catch a glimpse of myself looking less than maaaahhvelous I remind myself that the damage took time so repairing it is going to as well. The difference is that it took a quarter of a century to do the damage and it's about half-repaired inside of 100 days. I have nothing to complain about and, with all due respect, Linda, I've seen your "Before" and "during" pics and neither do you. Just keep going. Good things are happening, even if they're happening slowly. Try to remember how you FELT before Julie. Now think of how you feel today, just physically - in terms of wellness. It's worth it all: the struggles, the disappointments and the victories.
P.S. You're not the first to fall off the wagon. The more you beat yourself up over that the harder it will be to step back up to the plate. Just do it. The suggestions are all still in there. Just get your habits back in sync with them.
ReplyDeleteAlanna, anonymous, and Joe...each offered a pearl for me. Joe..thx for the nice comments on my before and during pics and that I should step up to the plate. I can. I will. I do remember everything. I dont actually feel.much different now than before Julie ie. I was not feeling lethargic or without energy...but I do walk faster now and with better balance. Anonymous...great tip on body adjusting to changes. I have heard of people losing weight faster after going "off diet" for awhile. I was beginning to not like the bony feeling in my shoulders so maybe my body got scared and made me take a break. I am almost ready to get back on program. It has been surprisingly relaxing and enjoyable to be off for a few days. I have stopped hating myself for it now and know it is a PAUSE and not an ending. Thank you Alanna for your kind words and the quite right reminder about the one right picture in a slew for models. I did some modeling in college.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda,
ReplyDeleteFirst, you have been an inspiration to me from the beginning. I'm sorry to hear about your husband and can oh imagine the stress associated with his condition. but, now you need to get back to doing the program for you.
As we all know, sometimes we fall of the wagon. It doesn't mean that you are going to be run over by the wagon. Now is time to get up, brush yourself off, and eat equal amounts of protein and veggies.
Life isn't perfect and neither are we. Life goes in waves, good and not so good. What we need to do is recognize then we are in a slump and get out of it.
You can do this... We all know you can and believe in you. Keep us posted on your progress. Remember, brush yourself off and get up!
Jane....thx for believing in me and reminding me there is a community on this site that cares about my success. It is very humbling. Love the comment about the normalcy and human-ness of falling off the wagon but not letting it run me over. That really sunk in. The simplicity of eating equal portions meat and veggie.Clear. Clean.Easy. I tossed my candy and wine and fruit and restarted program today. Turkey burger and hard boiled egg and tomato for breakfast. YEAH!! Thanx so much Jane and everyone!!!! :>)
ReplyDelete