Friend of Julie: Silence is Golden

Silence is Golden. Unless that silence is killing you. Before I started this program two years ago, I was dying a slow spiritual death of silent humiliations.

Friend's garden on Martha's Vineyard. Photo by Theresa

This blog includes many stories of my victory over humiliating events. Some of of those stories, and there are nearly 300 of them now, I had never said aloud, even to my close friends.

In the past few months, I've had a few "ah-ha" Oprah kind of moments that showed me a few issues I faced in silence over the years. These are a few:

• Do I dare join in the others at this party to play piñata or am I too horrified they'll be staring at my backside the whole time? A few years ago I was at a friend's birthday party and they were playing games. When they pulled out the game Pin the Tail on the Donkey, I was not interested. Yesterday I saw people swinging at a piñata on TV show. It was at the moment that I had a flash-back to the party and I realized why I didn't want to play: I was too embarrassed. Seriously? Yes! Crippled by a piñata! I called my friend yesterday to share this story with her.
• Am I being judged because I'm so large? I witnessed a woman at the airport being mistreated by airline staff and it was clear they were judging her because of her size. As I listened to her tell her daughter the story, I wondered how many times I was treated poorly when I was obese. One never keeps track of such things, but I'm sure it happened and I pushed the memory somewhere deep inside.
• Will I be able to keep up with the person I'm walking with? One of the women I work with recently reminded me when we used to walk across campus I needed to stop and catch my breath several times. I had no memory of such pauses on our walks. I do recall being mad that people walk so fast and silently wondering "what's their hurry?"

This is what I meant when I said "I was dying a slow spiritual death of silent humiliations." I wasn't trying to be dramatic. (Well, okay, it did make for a good lead into this story.) The truth is I wasn't conscious of these events when they happened. I'm happy I no longer have to think about these kinds of issues. There are many more issues I've discovered along the way that I'm happy to leave behind. A big one: when I'm boarding a plane, entering a movie theater, or walking into a classroom, I no longer wonder "will I fit into the seat?"

When I began this weight loss journey, I had no idea if this program would work for me. I had heard success stories, but all weight loss program have those. Sitting in Julie's class that first night, with 23 strangers, I had no idea that night my life would change.

As days and weeks passed, I was intrigued by what was happening to me. As months passed, and people began to ask for details of my diet, I went silent. This was a different kind of silence than the painful one I just wrote about. This silence was a positive one. I couldn't explain how this program was working or why I no longer craved the foods I had been eating that had brought me to a size 30/32. I didn't want to talk about it because it felt too personal. I told people "If I look different in a year from now, ask me what I did."

Today, wearing my size 18 jeans, I'm not silent about the program, but I don't give a lot of details unless someone really pushes. Most people don't really want the details. I tell them it's similar to Atkins. Any more details and I find myself having to defend what I'm doing. Everyone has an opinion about nutrition, what and how we should be eating. What I know today, is that the way I'm eating energizes me in ways I only dreamed of two years ago. The way I'm eating today agrees with my body. I don't need to defend that.

A year after I started this program I blogged about some of the changes weight loss brought to my life (A Year of Change, 01/25/12). There were many changes during that year and one of them was I no longer needed to promise myself "tomorrow I will start a diet." A year later, I used photos instead of word to share my progress (Two Year Progress, 01/25/12). Before and after volumes speak volumes.

Yes, in one night, my life changed. My journey isn't over yet. I have more sizes to drop and then maintenance to learn. I'm sure to encounter more "ah-ha" moments about my past life as an obese woman. This too is part of the journey. A very personal journey at that. But here I am, writing details on a web blog that (two years ago) I wouldn't share with myself or my close friends.