How is it that until seeing a photo of myself last week, I was happy with how much weight I've lost and how I looked, but then I saw the photo (below with my grandniece), and boom, I get all disappointed in myself.
I'm exploring these concepts in a gentle way, without judgement, and with lots of kindness towards myself. I'm not beating myself up, but pausing to understand why the denial in the first place. Why didn't I see myself as obese as I was at my top weight? Why is it that 8 sizes (smaller) later, I only see an obese woman in the photo? I think this denial comes as a protection from pain. It was too painful to see myself as large as I was. It's painful to see how big I still am. It's painful to look at myself and see how much more weight I have to lose.
Just the same, I must look. I must see myself today, so that I can continue my journey, so I can reach my goal size. I've been visualizing being a size 8, so of course when I see my photo in size 20 pants I freak out because in my mind I'm a size 8. Well, I'm not a size 8, but I'm not a size 20 either, those pants are way too big. I'm a size 18 and I'm doing all the right things to obtain my goal size.
BTW, I just checked the size of those jeans and they're size 26! No! No! No! No wonder I felt so fat when I saw this photo! Julie encouraged us to get rid of clothes that are too big so we don't "grow" into them. Last night I started selling clothes on eBay again, not a moment too soon. I am NOT going to grow into any of those clothes again, so out they go!
One thing I've done right in this weight loss journey is to learn the most I can along the way. This denial of my size issue is an important one. I want stay out of denial and judgement. I have come too far to crush myself because I'm still not a size 8.
I choose to feel the pain of my reality today (size 18) and my past (size 30/32). I choose to continue to look in the mirror and at my photos and see myself as I am and to embrace where I'm at in this journey. I choose to continue to feel proud of my success along the way. I choose to reach my goal size, which at my refresh with Julie last week I changed to size 6.
There's more to all these thoughts, but this is the gist of it. Plus, I'm out of time this morning and I've been wanting to share these thoughts since last week. Can any of you relate?
Here's a summary of my first week of training for the Hot Chocolate Run. This week I kick it up with more time on the treadmill.
Monday - 10/08/12 walked Whiting Reservoir
My grandniece and I walked at different paces, as I wanted to get a workout and she wanted to "take it all in". Sometimes we have to follow advice from those younger than we are; we're not always right!
- Elapsed time: 60:00
- Distance: 2.0 miles
I was multi-tasking while on the bike, organizing notes on my iPhone, and the next thing I knew it - 38 minutes has passed. My intention was to bike for 20 minutes.
Great workout!
- Elapsed time: 38:00
- Elapsed time: 36:07
- Distance: 2.14 miles
- Average speed: 3.56 MPH
- Average pace: 16:51 mile
- Elapsed time: about 30 min.
- Distance: 2.0 miles
Hi Theresa,
ReplyDeleteYes I relate big time. But first I want to say that I am in awe of your running. From looking at your times and speeds - you are in really good shape girl!
I had really stopped looking at myself and wouldn't allow any photos either. It was just too upsetting. And I stopped caring what I was wearing, which, luckily, in Vermont, is sort of par for the course. This week I realized in another way how little sense I have of my body/size. I knew I had lost weight, but since all of my clothes are stretchy and loose, I had no idea how much. Then I went to the city for the weekend, and I needed a new winter coat, and my partner took me shopping at some of his favorite used clothing stores. He is the king of finding incredible things for almost nothing. He pulled out 2 coats that I really liked, and I looked at the sizes and said "Those won't fit me-they're too small". But he encouraged me to try them anyway, and I figured "Well, at least it will give me something to work towards" and then, lo and behold, they actually fit! I was stunned. And when I looked in the mirror, for the first time in ages-no, perhaps for the first time in my life, I was happy with what I saw. I say the first time in my life because even though there were times when I was a lot thinner, I really didn't enjoy it then. It was so fraught with fear, didn't feel like something I had done in a self-caring, deliberate way. So now I have a wonderfuf new Liz Claibourne winter coat for $14! I feel, like you, that the practice of seeing myself is a really new one...seeing myself through my own eyes, with compassion, instead of through the eyes of some external critical other. So congrats to you, in your practice and in your amazing physical fitness successes!
Eva
Congratualtions on yor new size and coat! and for being happy with where you are. Liz Clairborne too - woohoo!
DeleteI'm wearing a beautiful coat my friend gave me last summer to wear on my Alaska trip and it was too small then. It's a bit roomy now, but I'm wearing it until it no longer keeps me warm or looks too ridiculous. I'm holding out for end of season coats, because what I wear this year won't fit next winter!
Just a quick question - does anyone know if Julie is on vacation or something? I've tried calling last 2 weeks to schedule a refresher, but only get recording and all the voice mail boxes are full. I've tried several times. Thanks for any info --(tried all times of day and night).
ReplyDeleteYes, Julie is on vacation. I believe she is back next week.
DeleteJulie was on vacation but is back. I went to a refresher session on Thursday. She is mobbed with people wanting refreshers. And is going this coming week to Boston for her vocal cord treatment. By the way, the daytime (10am-1) session was $100.
ReplyDelete