Friend of Julie: Self Discovery

Throughout our weight loss journey, we experience a series of events that help us change. When we discover things that hold us back we've learn to let them go. As we embrace these changes, our lives change in profound and positive ways. When one of our key-friends sought inspiration and instead uncovered a food trigger, she chose to let it go.

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all Wisdom.
— Aristotle

What I Recently Discovered About Myself

After 2 ½ years following the Key Program, and 9 sizes down (probably in the ballpark of 130-150 pounds lost), I discovered something disturbing about myself. Even though specific cravings are rarely an issue for me, the food addict is still inside me, and is always close to the surface.

I sometimes watch shows like Extreme Weight Loss, The Biggest Loser, or My 600-lb Life. While my newer, healthier self can certainly relate to many of the victories and lifestyle changes that the participants experience, the strongest connection is to the addict—the inner demon that whispers seductively and promises to numb all the stress.

My 600-lb Life is the worst. In footage of hugely obese people that are bedbound, most unable to even clean themselves of urine or feces—footage that is certainly meant to appall or invoke sympathy in the audience—the part that strikes me deepest is the eating. Every single one of those people, as they are filmed eating enormous amounts of insanely unhealthy food, talks about the escape and comfort that food offers them.

It should HORRIFY me to watch them killing themselves, bite by bite. It should revolt me. Instead, the addict in me pokes me and says, "I remember that feeling. Don’t you want to forget everything for a while? Get lost in that hand to mouth rhythm of eating yourself into oblivion? We’ll just do it once—just to see what it’s like again. Remember how good it felt? Remember how it made the world go away? Then afterward, you can go lie down and nap the day away—everything else can be put off—wouldn’t that be nice?"

At times like that, it takes all my mental strength to remember the reality of my life pre-Julie. Life WASN’T nice.

I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without panting.

A slow quarter mile walk around the block would exhaust me for the day—and I considered it exercise!

I couldn’t walk into a room without looking around for the chair that looked like it would hold me.

I was ALWAYS the fattest person in the room—there was certainly no blending in.

I couldn’t cross my legs. My knees hurt constantly.

My skin was bumpy and rough.

I had constant issues with IBS, due to the huge amounts of carb and grease-laden food that I’d eat at once—there was no relaxing in a restaurant after a meal—we had to get the check and leave immediately, because it was guaranteed that by the time we got home, I’d be running for the bathroom.

Any activities were passive ones—reading, watching TV or a movie, going on the computer.

I’ve decided that I need to stay away from the show My 600-lb Life. How odd that a show that should terrify me into eating healthy, is instead a trigger to the food demons lurking inside me?

If I need motivation, from now on I’ll stick to the exercise based shows—the ones that remind me how far I’ve come, and how wonderful it feels to be healthy, active, and have a fun, fulfilling life.

So screw you, food demons! Be gone!

— Anonymous

Where are you on your weight loss journey? Are you embracing the opportunities to stay motivated by letting go of things that are holding you back?

I made a decision to embrace what motivates me to stay on my journey. I've been struggling for many months and I'm proud to say I am back on program. I too am letting go of habits and events that are triggers.