Friend of Julie: Shame Resilience

In today's post, PJ writes about the profound effect Julie's program had on how PJ sees and defines herself. Many of you reading her story will resonate with much of PJ's experience. Like many of us on this program, this time feels different for her. Her journey begins with gastric bypass surgery and ends at her goal size on maintenance with Julie's program.

2003 – Size 30/32                     2014 – Size 10

Shame Resilience

As a woman struggling with many emotional issues surrounding weight, I feel that my experience with the Key program and Julie has triggered a monumental shift in how I see myself. I have been interested in the subject of identity (who we believe we are, how we see ourselves) and the relationship between identity and feelings of shame since reading Brené Brown’s books, The Gifts of Imperfection and The Power of Vulnerability. As a doctoral student, I have written about and studied issues surrounding shame, especially in terms of developing shame resilience – how do we overcome views of ourselves which lead to feelings of shame, changing the old scripts which we play over and over when it comes to the many issues surrounding weight and eating.

After reading a post on Facebook regarding shameful feelings related to making poor choices, I wanted to share my experience and how I have come to understand my journey.

In terms of looking at issues surrounding eating, including what I eat and why, Julie had a most profound effect on me in relation to my beliefs about who I am – how I see myself and define myself. My struggle has been a long one, as most of you can relate to, but this time feels very different for me.

In 2003 I had gastric bypass surgery and went from a size 30/32 down to a 10 over the course of 18 months or so. It was a great time for me, but then bad habits crept back in and my weight started to increase after 5 years of success. I kept trying to get things under control, but nothing was working – juice fasts, high protein/low carb, intense exercise.

Finally, as I watched a friend succeed with Julie’s program, I decided to give it a try – it couldn’t be more drastic than surgery! By the summer of 2013 I had rebounded to a size 16 and was extremely fearful of not being able to stop, ending up even heavier than I was in 2003.

I am not sure exactly what happened through the hypnosis portion, but I feel like a different person with a better understanding of how my body works and a connection to my inner spirit. My personal identity (who I believe I am) shifted. The only way I can explain the difference is through the use of a picture.

2003 – Prior to Gastric Bypass Surgery (33 years old) – Size 30/32

This is a picture of me at my highest weight prior to my surgery – I was traveling through Scotland and took painkillers every day just to be able to walk to enjoy my trip. Before seeing Julie, I never would have shared this picture as I still felt like “that” person and experienced immense shame in being “her.” Now, I don’t feel like the same person and I don’t experience shame when I look at that picture. While I don’t understand exactly what shifted, I do understand how shame works and can make an educated guess.

Shame results from a negative self-evaluation about who we believe we are – our identity as an individual (as opposed to guilt which arises from a negative evaluation of a behavior – not tied to our identity).

So I would see my obese self and it would trigger all those negative self-evaluations – lazy, undisciplined, and stupid. While I understand at a cognitive level that I am none of those, these feelings would arise anyway. (Really, how can I complete a 30 day juice fast and still believe I am undisciplined?)

Brené Brown identifies specific ways to build a resilience to shame, including developing a level of critical awareness about your identities (we all have multiple identities), where they come from and how they are affecting you.

I think that through Julie’s guidance, I was able to develop a level of awareness about my identity tied to weight, which was linked to societal views of overweight people as well as my experiences in my family. The awareness, I think, comes from learning to listen to our bodies (I think of this as my inner spirit), not all of the information coming from society and our experiences with our families. Somehow I was able to let go of those external views and give my inner spirit a higher priority in defining my identity related to weight – which is now centered on healing and balance, not command and control.

Developing shame resilience can be a powerful tool in overcoming negative self-perceptions.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking about the major changes beyond what we are eating when we are in the river – letting go of the numbers (calories, nutrition information, weight), which are externally imposed upon us, and learning to listen to our bodies.

I think opening up communication between the subconscious and conscious allowed me to not only become critically aware of the external pressures regarding weight/size, but let go of them, taking their power away. I work with these ideas regularly, using meditation to reflect and develop self-compassion.

My final thought is to let go of those expectations and pressures which are harmful and causing unwarranted shame. Listen to your body and follow your energy which will guide you in healing – not just your body but your spirit as well.

PJ 

2005 – 18 Months after Surgery (PJ with her sister) – Size 10/12

2013 – 10 Years after Surgery – Size 16

2014 – 7 Months after Julie (44th Birthday) – Size 10