I've been doing some internal exploring the past few weeks, to try to understand how it is that I never really saw how big I was when I was at my largest and how it is that when I see a new photo of myself I'm shocked that I'm still this big.

How is it that until seeing a photo of myself last week, I was happy with how much weight I've lost and how I looked, but then I saw the photo (below with my grandniece), and boom, I get all disappointed in myself. 

I'm exploring these concepts in a gentle way, without judgement, and with lots of kindness towards myself. I'm not beating myself up, but pausing to understand why the denial in the first place. Why didn't I see myself as obese as I was at my top weight? Why is it that 8 sizes (smaller) later, I only see an obese woman in the photo? I think this denial comes as a protection from pain. It was too painful to see myself as large as I was. It's painful to see how big I still am. It's painful to look at myself and see how much more weight I have to lose.

Just the same, I must look. I must see myself today, so that I can continue my journey, so I can reach my goal size. I've been visualizing being a size 8, so of course when I see my photo in size 20 pants I freak out because in my mind I'm a size 8. Well, I'm not a size 8, but I'm not a size 20 either, those pants are way too big. I'm a size 18 and I'm doing all the right things to obtain my goal size.

BTW, I just checked the size of those jeans and they're size 26! No! No! No! No wonder I felt so fat when I saw this photo! Julie encouraged us to get rid of clothes that are too big so we don't "grow" into them. Last night I started selling clothes on eBay again, not a moment too soon. I am NOT going to grow into any of those clothes again, so out they go!

One thing I've done right in this weight loss journey is to learn the most I can along the way. This denial of my size issue is an important one. I want stay out of denial and judgement. I have come too far to crush myself because I'm still not a size 8.

I choose to feel the pain of my reality today (size 18) and my past (size 30/32). I choose to continue to look in the mirror and at my photos and see myself as I am and to embrace where I'm at in this journey. I choose to continue to feel proud of my success along the way. I choose to reach my goal size, which at my refresh with Julie last week I changed to size 6.

There's more to all these thoughts, but this is the gist of it. Plus, I'm out of time this morning and I've been wanting to share these thoughts since last week. Can any of you relate?

Here's a summary of my first week of training for the Hot Chocolate Run. This week I kick it up with more time on the treadmill.

Monday - 10/08/12 walked Whiting Reservoir

My grandniece and I walked at different paces, as I wanted to get a workout and she wanted to "take it all in". Sometimes we have to follow advice from those younger than we are; we're not always right!

- Elapsed time: 60:00
- Distance: 2.0 miles

Tuesday - 10/09/12 recumbent bike at work

I was multi-tasking while on the bike, organizing notes on my iPhone, and the next thing I knew it - 38 minutes has passed. My intention was to bike for 20 minutes.

Great workout!

- Elapsed time: 38:00

10/10/12 treadmill at work

This was my first time on the treadmill in a while. I want to start training for the Hot Chocolate Run in Dec., so I used the c25k app to kick-start my training. I've been running and walking outside, so I started with week 5 of the app. When the app says walk, my pace on the treadmill is 3.0 and when it says run, I kick it up to 4.0. No hills yet, but I will add them in a few weeks. The race begins on a very steep hill and there are more hills to follow; I want to be ready for them. It was fabulous to being running at this pace again!

- Elapsed time: 36:07
- Distance: 2.14 miles
- Average speed: 3.56 MPH
- Average pace: 16:51 mile

10/11/12 walked outside at work

I couldn't resist being outside on such a gorgeous day, especially with all the fall leaves. I walked with Aime and we kept a fast walking pace. As we walked, we had incredible talks about the program and after the first mile, I wished we had recorded our conversation, as we both had great "ah ha" moments that would be great to add to the blog.

- Elapsed time: about 30 min.
- Distance: 2.0 miles

October 15, 2012

Anonymous is asking for advice to her situation (I Panicked!!):

You are right - it was NOT your free will, and I had learned do not obsess over it and things will be ok.

I personally have had a different issue all together, and it plagues me a bit. I finished my sessions with Julie around the end of August. I have the most horrible cravings around PMS time (does anyone else?) I have been able to make it through ... until this past weekend. I ate some Keebler grasshopper cookies. I am attempting to put it behind me and move on. Doing just as awesome as before - meat, veggie etc.

I think I am needing a place to admit that I did it and also ask if anyone thinks I should call and make an appt. again with Julie ... I don't want to go back to what I used to do. I have lost almost 2 sizes in just these two months and I have been doing so good ...

MaryJane is also asking for advice (Roots of Obesity Documentary):

I'm also so grateful to have found Julie. I've been on her plan for 8 months and have never strayed (which is quite a miracle after years of trying ever diet known to man and never having lasting success). I do have quite a problem which I'm now facing. Since losing so much weight (and being in my sixties) my skin is really sagging.

Now, I've seen this discussed previously, but I'm not in a position for any surgery and just can't wear any of those compression garments. But the main problem is that I really am developing a bad sef image due do this excess skin and massive wrinkles.

At least when I was fatter, I had prefectly taught skin ( of course it was packed full of fat which I know is not healthy). I only mention this because recently I'm beginning to think that perhaps I should not continue with this program as I do not want to end up just a skeleton with skin hanging everywhere.

 Don't get me wrong, I still have a ways to go (most people would consider me overweight I'm sure), however, I don't know if this skin problem should be a deal breaker. There is only so much exercise one can do when your skin becomes this far gone (must be why all the candidates on extreme weight loss opt to have the surgery). Since that is not an option for me, I just wanted a little reinforcement that even tho my skin is far less than optimal now, that having lost all that weight is still the healthier alternative.

Does anyone else ever have such feelings; and, how to you push those thoughts out of your mind. I know we can't turn back the hands of time, but I am so envious of anyone that discovers this at a earlier age when their skin is able to "snap" back. HELP!!! 

October 13, 2012

I subscribe to a newsletter about natural health and an article in today's newsletter caught my attention "BBC documentary by investigative reporter Jacques Peretti, the foundational reasons behind the obesity epidemic are revealed." This documentary provides supporting data for much of what Julie teaches us about food.
You can view the full article The Modern Food System and the Roots of Obesity, but you have to subscribe first; it's free. The article pretty much follows all of what the videos show.

October 11, 2012

I just registered for the Hot Chocolate Run, which is on December 2 in Northampton, MA, and I want to challenge those of you following this blog to join my "Friends of the Keys" team and run this 5K!

To prepare for this run, I'm starting my c25k today (couch to 5k running app). BTW, 5k is just a tad over 3 miles. Last year I did this race in just under 45 minutes and I want to beat that this year. I would love to have a bunch of you join me! Post your questions if you're unsure and want some support! These kind of races are especially fun when done in a team - both the training for the race and the race itself. Let's do it!

If you want like to join me, simply register for the Hot Chocolate Run and when you register, select my "Friends of the Keys" team.

If you aren't up for the run, I hope you'll consider making a donation of any amount to help me reach my $200 fundraising goal! You may make a donation to Safe Passages on my behalf to help fund their programming--including an emergency shelter program, individual counseling and support groups, legal services, a 24-hour hotline and more. All contributions are tax-deductible, and you’ll receive an emailed receipt immediately after you donate.

October 09, 2012

I had a bizarre situation happen to me this weekend that threw me for a major loop!! We were at someone's house for supper (which we do alot) and I was able to eat the corn and meatballs.

I was quite pleased with myself with my food choices and was feeling full and satisfied and really enjoying the visiting.

When what to my ears do I hear??? THE PERSON THAT MADE THE CORN PUT SUGAR IN IT!!! I panicked!! I actually flipped out, I felt like I was going to throw up! I was quite upset!! Visions of all the sizes coming back onto my body overnight were going through my head! I wanted to cry!!

As soon as I got home, I emailed Jennifer who helped me to put it into perspective: It wasn't my free will!

I didn't even taste the sugar, I thought the person who made it had just gotten a really good batch of corn.

IT WASN'T MY FREE WILL

Then as I calmed down, I realized, alot of condiments have sugar in them.

So as I calm down more, and continue on (being extrememly careful these next few days of what I am doing and eating) I am treating the corn as a condiment. I did drain the liquid off from the spoon because I didn't want all the butter that was on it, (little did I know). My hunger hasn't escalated, so I think I am fine.

I was quite scared and upset. Of course, I can't even tell you the bizarre dreams I have had since about gaining it all back!!!

But I feel like now things are continuing on the right way... PHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 09, 2012

Cheese is a condiment and should be used only to compliment or enhance a dish.  Wikipedia defines a condiment as "an edible substance, such as sauce, added to food to impart a particular flavor, enhance its flavor, or in some cultures, to complement the dish." Repeat after me, Cheese is a condiment.

Think about other condiments you use, such as Ketchup. You have Ketchup with something - it is not the main course. You wouldn't eat an entire bottle of Ketchup and if you did then Ketchup is a trigger food for you, which means you should avoid Ketchup completely. Cheese is a condiment.

If you're eating cheese by itself, you're off program. If your cheese portion exceeds your meat portion, you're off program. Think about cheese like you would Ketchup or mustard - they enhance the dish. If cheese is a trigger food for you, you may want to avoid it entirely for a few months, longer if it keeps getting in your way.

Remember, cheese needs an army* to process through your body. Your body only has so many army men available to work off the cheese. When they run out, your body stores the cheese. When your body stores food, instead of processing it through, you don't lose weight.

I have to really get behind this reality myself: cheese is a condiment. I can either treat it as such, or hold onto my weight. If I can't treat it as a condiment, then I have to give it up until I can. It's like a parent punishing me to my room. Until I behave properly, no cheese for me.

When someone asks how much cheese can they have, the answer is a tiny bit; cheese is a condiment.

*Don't hold me to this (army), I can never remember if this analogy is the army or what military branch owns this task.

October 05, 2012

This comment was posted from Eva, on a an August. post Newcomer:

I finished my last group session with Julie about a month ago. During the course, and for the past month, it has been mind boggling....not even primarily because of the weight loss, which there has been (of course I don't know exactly how much), but mainly because for the first time since I was about 10 years old (52 years ago), the obsessing and painful struggling for so much of the day stopped.

The "rules" are so simple that there just isn't much room to obsess. A few days ago things became more difficult. I found myself eating a bit too much cheese (pretty much the only transgression during these months), and obsessing and craving a lot more again. When the cravings hit I eat protein, drink water, etc, but it makes me tense, and so I signed up for a refresher session at the end of the month.

Is this usual? To get hit with strong cravings? I have also thought that maybe the cravings mean that I am coming out of a plateau into a losing time, and this is simply my body freaking out and thinking it is starving and that maybe it is actually a good sign.

Anyway, I would welcome any words of wisdom and experience from others.

Thanks!
Eva

October 03, 2012

What's Your Story? What are you telling yourself that will have a positive impact on your future? Is your story taking where you want to go? Tell you story and tell it often, to help you remember where you're going and to embrace your truth.

Unlike other weight loss programs, key hypnosis has never felt like a roll of the dice, a spin of the wheel of fortune, or a crap shoot. I never find myself thinking I hope it works this time. Instead, I made intentional changes in my life to support my weight loss goals. The stories I tell myself along the way are an essential part of my journey. One story I focus on:

I am going to reach my goal size and maintain that for the rest of my life. 

That is my story and I'm sticking to it. No, really - I am going to reach my goal size and maintain that for the rest of my life. Yes, yes, I repeated myself - and that's my point! I repeat this story because in doing so it has become a part of my life plan.

In a recent blog post by Michael Hyatt, We Are What We Remember, Michael says this in a more poetic way:

We live up to the narratives we tell ourselves. We make decisions and act in certain ways because it fits into our story. If we change that story, we can change our lives.

There are times when I look back to review what worked and what didn't work. I cannot change my past, but I can learn from my past and make new choices today. Once in a while, I look for new ways to support my weight loss goals, try new recipes or new physical activities, or stop to look ahead to where I'm going and ask myself if there's anything I'm doing that doesn't support my goal that I need to stop doing and then figure out how to get out of my own way so I can reach my goal.

The latter usually has to do with realizing I'm beating up on myself in non-productive ways, such as feeling bad for not making a better choice or not losing more weight. The solution there is not to focus on that story, but to instead focus on the story that will take me where I want to go: I am going to reach my goal size and maintain that for the rest of my life.

No matter where I am in my journey, disappointed I'm at a plateau or happy I've dropped another size, I have never lost the optimism I embraced at my first session with Julie: I am going to reach my goal size and maintain that for the rest of my life.

What's your story? Will it take you where you want to go? Please tell!

October 02, 2012