During my recent struggle to stay on program, I've been talking with Linda, my key-friend and blog contributor, who was also struggling. We were both shocked to find ourselves by the river side (off-program). Now that we're back in the river, we want to share this part of our journey.
Step away from the river side and jump back into the river.
Theresa:
It was hard for me to believe that after five years of being on program, I would found myself on the old familiar roller-coaster ride of on/off program and obsessed with thoughts of being a failure. Round and round I went. I couldn't find a way to get off the ride.

I was finally able to get off the roller-coaster when I decided that feeling good far outweighed the restraints I once had to keep me from eating whatever I wanted. My stomach-churned from unhealthy food choices. I started having lower back pain at night. I felt lousy all day, day after day, for weeks. Then there was the absence of the visceral thrill of the drop in size; after all I had not reached my goal size. I felt like a failure. I felt shame for gaining weight and for wanting to hide.

Linda and I had long phone conversations to talk about our struggles, successes, and to support one another. Despite those inspiring conversations, jumping back in the river didn't happen right away for me. Sometimes I caught a ride on the roller-coaster for days. Other times I did well for a month or longer, but then I returned to the roller-coaster and was on and off program again.

Finally, sick to death of feeling so poorly, I cashed in my roller-coaster ticket for a one-way-ticket back to the river. I focused on how, just a few months earlier, I had been I was so comfortable in my body, full of energy, and living pain-free. I incorporated a daily visualization of feeling good in my body to reinforce my commitment to stay the course.

I reminded myself how happy I was when I last reached the size I am today, to help me push away those thoughts of shame. Today, I choose to feel proud of where I am and where I'm going! No more roller-coaster rides for me. I feel nauseous just thinking about getting on another roller-coaster.

Life is about making choices. Each time I make choices that take me where I want to go in my life, to eat healthy and to exercise, my life fills with hope.
Linda:
I was so off course and I hit a VERY BIG pothole in my journey. I wrote in a journal how I felt, how miserable, how unhappy, and how frustrated; I got all my emotions out. Then I wrote my plan for the day, In big bold letters:
  • I WILL STAY ON PROGRAM.
  • I WILL EAT ONLY MEAT AND VEGGIES
  • I WILL NOT EAT CHEESE
  • I WILL NOT EAT SUGAR — SUGAR IS POISON!!!
I continued writing each day how I physically felt, mentally felt, and my plan for the day.
  • I WILL WALK WALK WALK!
Each day I got stronger.

I really believe writing these thoughts down on paper helped. I was SCARED!!! I had gained weight!!!

I began thinking positively. My thought process changed as each day became another step. I forgave myself.

I do not dwell on where I was. I dwell on how happy I was when I reached the size earlier in my journey.
What about you? Are you struggling to get back and stay in the river? Stay tuned, as we continue to once again share our weight loss journey.

What as that noise? That was water splashing — as you too jumped back in the river!
July 13, 2016